all i want to do now is to cry.. i promised myself that i won't use this blog to show you my darkside.. i'm supposed to make life happier for you guys.. but its raining.. not everything is working the way i want it to.. what am i supposed to do?? please.. if you can tell me, i will do it.. but why can't you just tell me??
Lydia Terisno.. like you said, i might have read it, i might have not.. just like now, you might not even see this.. who cares?? maybe i don't, maybe i do.. all i want to ask is this, you admitted yourself that you might not know me.. you know what, you are so totally right and at the same time totally wrong..
if you really wanted to know me, you would have realized a very important thing.. we are not that different.. i'm glad you did this.. cos you just did something that i couldn't bring myself to do.. you think that i am totally ignorant of the cold war that just happened?? i have known it for some time.. i felt it straight away.. i did not ignore it.. it was on my mind the whole time.. i was thinking of it even when you are not around.. thinking and wondering what did i do wrong, what can i do to make it right.. what, why, how.. everything.. if there is a magic word that can help, i would have tried immediatly.. you knew that it will hurt me, yet you still did it.. that's good.. cos, you do the things that is required.. not the things that are easy..
so, i had to thank you.. cos you have the guts to bring it up.. why did you think i was helpless?? i could not mend the fences without causing a fight.. i don't like to fight.. i avoid it at all costs.. which was why i worry about it, but was unable to do a single thing because i am scared like shit of the consequences.. all i wanted was a place to sleep.. just like you avoiding the topic... which was why you went into cold war mode without even trying anything else.. if you had even just asked why i was talking on the phone, you would have known that i was not unhappy about what you said.. i accept your reasoning.. i was upset over another totally diferent matter.. yet, you did not attempt to clear it up with me.. you jumped on the conclusion totally by yourself.. i was having problems at school, okay?? please don't think that everyone of my problems revolve around you.. they do not.. please~
you think that i'm a hypocrite?? i was never more earnest and honest when i told you about not worrying about excess utilities.. i meant it.. cos i understand that it is not fair to expect you guys to save on my part.. after all, you guys are used to the luxurious life.. who does not like air-con?? i love air-con.. i like having the lights on so i can read and see clearly.. the whole goddamned problem is that i can't bloody well afford it.. so, i thought that even though my mum won't be very happy about it, i agreed to just go on with you guys.. i don't mind.. i am being honest.. i will pay.. but you are thinking too much.. i don't do that pretense stuff.. i try my best to accomodate my friends.. but looks like you don;t think of me as a friend.. you are already assuming that i am a hypocrite when you don't even know me.. you are treating me all hostile even though you don't really know me that well..
i totally do not ignore you.. Joyce is the type that talks whatever and makes conversation.. but you and me, we are the type that waits for the other party to start talking.. we follow the leader and mould ourselves in.. or so the way i see it.. so?? i have never been one to talk just anything.. i tried to initate conversation, but it seems silly to tell you about my day at school.. that's all that i can think of to tell you.. you did not seem eager to divulge about your days.. if you can please tell me what conversation to make, i will try my best to make it work..the problem is what is considered okay conversation with you?? i am merely adhereing to your instructions not to ask you questions again.. that's all, i'm trying to help make it better, but it seems that i am only making it worse, huh??
since you seem very eager to see me out of the door, i think i may just be able to grant you that wish.. one week.. is that enough for you to make up your mind?? my friend has agreed to accomodate me for a week.. by then, i hope you will have made up your mind.. always open to suggestions.. babee c was being honest with you.. i don't have a problem with my attitude.. my tone is inherited form my debate training.. if i am to change, why can't you change too?? we are all not being very fair huh?? i try to accomodate your needs, but i seem to be causing you much pain.. you seem to be trying to take me just like that, but you can't help comparing me with Joyce who seems much more ideal.. i feel so left out with you two.. like the third thumb.. how would you feel if you were in my place?? did you know what my friends here told me to do?? they asked why don't i just live up to your expectations of me as a real disgusting slutty hypocrite.. so, what do you think now?? yeah, how hypocirtical of me..
i am so lost now.. can anyone help me out? i want to go home, but home's not too cool now.. mum's upset about the family.. i don't want to be another burden.. i do really want to thank xixi too, if you had not told me, i would hurt so much more now.. jiang, you thnx for being a pillar.. and mum, i'm so sorry i can't tell you this.. knowing that you don't read blogs, i feel quite safe too... lol..
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