long long week..

its been a long week. or it feels like one for me..
i have been waiting and waiting since Monday for weekend to come. so i can just hide at home..
the week passed in a blur of moments for me. no interest in anything this week.

the points of any interest were:
Monday= AS results came out.. called Mum
she calls a couple of times in the week.
Friday evening= Grandma calls.

i have been to RedBox twice this week.. once on Monday, and another time today.

thank you to everyone who has been very kind and helpful throughout the week.
Michelle and Elise. Sheryn, who had several talks with me aimed at deciding the future.
esp Xi, whom i also want to apologise to. i didn't mean to scare you when i called.. just too desperate to talk to someone. thank you for talking to me when i just cannot stop crying.
Jiang, for listening..

Mum, Dad, Yee and family. i think i understand a little better now. even if not totally. i know this is a moot point now, but still feel compelled to say sorry. for making all of you worry (your initial reactions caught me by surprise) and for being a disappointment.

"Maybe this is the job of a mother: to buy time for her child, no matter what."

silly as it sounds, this was the relevation that made me tear up..
after a week of doing so well, i thought i'd be okay if i can make it through the week. how wrong.
all my automatic hardwork to hold it in went to waste just like that. it was worse than when i talked to Yee or Mum. and once it started, it got harder to stop. they insisted on tracing their path as gravity dictated. not listening to me anymore.

"what went wrong?"

i can tell you.. how well i know this answer.

I went wrong.

life goes on.

"when life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end."