a blue world..

um 1st, wanna wish all my senpai taking AS exam good luck!! (its next week right?? ) and the same for my senpai taking A2, good luck as well... (even if i'm not sure when is that.. lol~)

just checked my mail, and the updates from by be-a-sties.. Yue's post was really heart-wrenching.. Xi's email, glad to know that she's better.. also news from her that make me feel down now.. feel very very out right now.. like.. hmm, like a wall-flower.. that blends in.. (just another way of saying invisible i think).. funny though, you'd think that after so many times of feeling this way, i'd have gotten used to it?? LOL~ feels like something that sticks in my throat all the time.. and it is all i can do not to just scream out loud.. *frustrated* a friend mentioned recently that i'm a tough girl.. i don't cry.. i think the missing word here is "easily".. besides, who said that i must cry to feel upset?? what if i am all upset but i don't cry?? does that mean i am any less upset compared to those people who cry buckets at the slightest sign of emotion?? you tell me..

then, yesterday, very 'interesting' day.. i think i must be the only daughter that upsets her mum on Mother's Day Eve.. not that our family ever was big on this and celebrate it.. but it is kinda hard too.. one of the reasons i don't always call home, no matter how much i miss them is this.. its already hard enough keeping the emo feeling down. its even harder when mum grills you properly and you are trying so hard to hold yourself together.. so, its just so hard. i love my mum, i really do, don't get me wrong. but there are moments when i wish mum's not so farsighted.. or rather i wish i have her will and not my dad's. keeping it inside is hard, telling mum is hard. so?? what's there to do? *even more frustrated*

feeling very very down today.. if i had a choice, i'd like to take something that can induce sleep.. just so i can crawl into bed and hide there.. even losing myself in a book doesn't seem to work.. perhaps i should just go an torture myself further with homework.. at least, until i figure out a better way to lose myself..